Regrets
by kitsunephoenix
Summary: Tasuki regrets showing his feelings for Chichiri too soon, causing him to leave. He allows his memories of Chichiri to take over him for the first time in two months and nearly looses control. Will he be able to be brought back from the brink of terror?
1. Rememberence

Rememberance

**So, my first FY fanfic... In case you didn't pay attention to the summary... WARNING: This story currently contains relations between two males. This chapter goes no further than kissing but later chapters will be graphic. If this offends (or you're too young to read) please turn back now.**

**This takes place after the series is complete (and ignores OVA 3 completely) so it contains spoilers for pretty much everything.**

**Tasuki, Chichiri, Kouji and anyone else I use belong to the talented Yuu Wataste, not me I just borrow them.**

**Tasuki regrets showing his feelings for Chichiri too soon and causing him to leave. He allows his memories of Chichiri to take over him for the first time in two months and nearly looses control. Will he be able to be brought back from the brink of destruction?**

He wandered through the hallways with no purpose. He just wanted to find a place apart from the laughter of the other bandits. Sake held no joy for him now, nothing did anymore. Not since **he** had left. Tasuki had taken to wandering the halls of Mount Reikaku at night while Kouji and the other bandits got drunk. Kouji had complained that Tasuki brought down the atmosphere and made everyone depressed when he drank with them now. Tasuki laughed mirthlessly as he remembered that night a week ago.

_"Hey, Genrou!" Kouji was slurring his speech after having far too much sake. Tasuki sighed and turned to face his friend.  
"Yeah, Kouji?"  
"How come ya don't get drunk like ya used to? Yer depressin' everyone, buddy." _

Tasuki shook his head now at his own stupidity. Kouji wasn't trying to hurt him; he'd just been drunk out of his mind. He winced as the rest of the memory came back to him.

_Tasuki glared at the drunken Kouji. He wasn't completely drunk himself, but was drunk enough to become angry even easier than he normally would have.  
"I'm not the same person I was back then." He muttered, trying to keep a handle on his emotions.  
"Why not?" Kouji's whine annoyed Tasuki further. He slammed his fists on the table.  
"Because of all the shit that happened to me Kouji! Damn it you weren't there, you can't understand! I had to fuckin' watch friends die, Kouji! And now I've screwed things up with the only other person in the whole fuckin' world who understands!" Tasuki stood and left the room, leaving Kouji and the other bandits gaping after him._

Tasuki had apologised to Kouji the next morning and been forgiven easily. Kouji had been too drunk to really remember what had been said anyway. Turning another corner Tasuki stopped, suddenly shocked at where his feet had carried him. They knew this route far too well; anytime his mind had been troubled they would take him here. He stared into the room where **he** had stayed for the time that had been both sweet and painful for Tasuki. Ever since that night Tasuki had refused to step foot in here, though his feet would insist on carrying him here every few days. Taking a deep breath, Tasuki rested his head on the cool wood of the doorframe.

"It's been so long. Why can't I seem to let you go?" He whispered hoarsely. "Maybe, maybe if I went inside, saw you were really gone, maybe that would show my heart that you're not comin' back." Although the words made sense, Tasuki almost couldn't bring himself to follow them. Breathing heavily he slowly pulled a key from a string around his neck. He fumbled for a few seconds before getting the key to turn and reached for the handle. Turning it seemed to take forever, but with a loud click the door swung inwards. Tasuki closed his eyes and stepped into the room. When he opened them he blinked rapidly, he still couldn't see anything. After a few seconds it hit him, the lamps hadn't been lit in here for two months. Laughing quietly at himself Tasuki went back out into the hall and returned to the room with a torch. Touching it to the lamp beside the door, Tasuki prayed there would still be some oil left in it. The fire caught and he returned the torch to the hallway.

Facing the door once more Tasuki took another deep breath. Going back into the room seemed so much harder now that he knew he would be able to see everything, almost worst than the first time. _This is stupid. Yer supposed to be a fuckin' fearless bandit and you can't even go into an empty room? _Before his resolve waned again Tasuki almost threw himself into the room. All the lamps inside the room were now lit and Tasuki stopped short in surprise. _Heh, figures his magic would still work. He left in such a hurry he didn't have time to take it down._ When he'd moved in he had set up a spell that lit several lamps around the room when the one by the door was lit. _It was one of his many time saving spells_. Tasuki remembered how much many of those spells had helped the bandits and how much they missed them now. _That's not all I miss. _Tasuki though sadly.

Tasuki glanced now around the room itself. He had given orders that nothing in this room was to be touched and was glad to see his orders had been obeyed. _Well why wouldn't they be? You and him were the only ones that had a key. Ahou_ The room was still in the state of disarray it had been in when Tasuki had come in that day and found him gone. The only thing missing was the note that had lain on the desk. This note was still in the pocket of Tasuki's coat where it had been for the past two months. Tasuki's hand brushed the pocket where it lay hidden but he shook his head. He was not ready for that yet.

He swung the door closed behind him and crossed the room to look out of the window above the small desk. His eyes scanned the stars and quickly found the group he now knew as the Suzaku constellations. _Hotohori, Mitsukake, Chiriko, Nuriko, even you, Tamahome, I miss ya all so much. Gods, what a mess I've made of things. If you were here, Nuriko, you'd kick my ass fer bein' such an idiot. _Tasuki's eyes were instinctively drawn to the star of Chichiri, the only other seishi still living. He laughed quietly when he found the stars Tasuki and Chichiri were the brightest in the sky. _With everythin' that's happened you'd expect those two to be as disconnected from each other as possible. _He thought to himself. Drawing his eyes away from the window, Tasuki looked down at the desk and frowned. _You'd never have it in such a mess, Chiri. I made ya leave so fast ya never got the chance to straighten the room. _Sighing, Tasuki began to straighten the desk. Each empty drawer pulled at his memories as he shut them quietly.  
"They used to be full of yer scrolls, Chiri. Suzaku, I miss those scrolls. Hell, I miss everythin' 'bout ya Chiri." He left one drawer open and began gathering the papers that were scattered across the top of the desk together.  
"Guess ya didn't think these important enough to take with ya." Tasuki placed the pile in the drawer and closed it with a snap.  
"I can still see ya, sat here studyin' quietly while everyone else was drinkin'. All those times I'd come to get ya and end up stayin' talking late into the night instead. Ya had such a way of persuadin' me Chiri."

Having tidied the desk, Tasuki now turned to the rest of the room.  
"It's not too bad. Even when yer makin' a mess yer still organised, Chiri." Tasuki suddenly stopped and laughed sadly, it was either laugh or cry and he never cried if he could help it.  
"How long have I been talkin' to ya as if ya were still here Chiri? I'm doin' it even now. Habits are hard to break I guess." Shaking his head Tasuki walked over to the closet. The door had been left hanging open, several shirts and trousers were left inside.  
"Ya only took a single change of clothes? And none of the ones I gave ya I see." Tasuki swung the door of the closet shut with a loud bang. Chichiri had taken only his spare set of travelling clothes. Tasuki leant against the wall, breathing heavily. _I guess he wanted to break all ties with me. Can't say I blame him. God, I fucked this up._ Tasuki closed his eyes and let his mind drift. He was in Chichiri's room, surrounded by Chichiri's things and he found himself thinking back to that day two months before when he had lost Chichiri forever.

_Tasuki walked along the halls, he was already a little drunk and had decided to bring Chichiri downstairs to join in the fun. **He may have dodged me last night, but tonight he is gonna come down.**_ _Tasuki thought determinedly as he approached the monk's room. He knocked firmly on the door and waited.  
"Come in, Tasuki no da!" Tasuki snorted. The monk always knew who was outside his room.  
"Oi, Chiri!" He began as he swung open the door, but the sight that greeted him stopped him short.  
"Hai, Tasuki no da?" Tasuki had to remind himself to breathe as he stared down at his friend. Chichiri was sat, cross-legged, on his straw mat, obviously ready to start meditating. He was shirtless and had recently returned from the baths. His hair was still wet and his bangs hung half in his face as he looked up at Tasuki. Small droplets of water beaded on his chest and he was mask less. He looked slightly amused and not at all aware of the effect he was having on Tasuki. Tasuki swallowed quickly and fixed his eyes on his friend's face, which was safe enough.  
"Uhh, I wanted to invite ya down, Chiri."  
"Tasuki, no da..." Chichiri began but was cut off by Tasuki's earnest voice.  
"Come on Chiri! Ya haven't been down in ages, the gang's startin' to think ya don't like 'em any more!"  
"Demo... Tasuki..."  
"Ya wouldn't have to drink, Chiri. Just come down and have some fun." Chichiri sighed in defeat and stood up slowly, stretching from his cramped position. Tasuki's breath caught in his throat as he watched Chichiri stretch. He didn't have many opportunities to see Chichiri shirtless and liked to make the most of them when he could. He watched Chichiri pull on his shirt and turn towards the bed where his mask lay with a small sigh. Tasuki darted forward and grabbed Chichiri's wrist.  
"Ya know I don't like it when ya wear that mask, Chiri." Chichiri looked up at him, slightly annoyed but with a small smile playing around his lips.  
"My mask is a part of me, Tasuki no da." He replied.  
"Not a necessary one." Tasuki growled back.  
"Why does it bother you so much, Tasuki na no da?"  
"Because, yer so fuckin' beautiful without it." Tasuki leaned in and caught Chichiri's surprised lips in a fierce kiss. _

"Why was I so stupid?" Tasuki covered his face in his hands. "I guess I only did it because of the sake. And the way he was starin' at me. Gods, he was just so beautiful an', fer that one moment, he was mine." Tasuki didn't want to remember what happened next, he wanted to dwell on that kiss, but his mind seemed intent on torturing him further.

_The protests made by the rational side of Tasuki's mind were silenced as he continued to kiss Chichiri. **This is my one chance. When I pull away he'll probably run away from me.**_ _Tasuki deepened the kiss frantically, pushing at Chichiri's lips with his tongue. The monk seemed too surprised to protest and his mouth opened under Tasuki's onslaught. Tasuki's tongue slipped inside the wet heat of Chichiri's mouth and he moaned softly. He had dreamt of this moment for a long time and, though he knew it had to end, he would enjoy it while he could. When he finally pulled away, out of breath, Chichiri looked up at him in shock.  
"I love you, Chichiri." Tasuki whispered hoarsely before running from the room, desperately trying not to cry when Chichiri did not follow him._

**I'm evil, ne? Like? Hate? Not sure? Go ahead and tell me. I'm new to writing Shounen ai/ Yaoi and have no idea whether or not my writing sucks.  
Next time: More of Tasuki's memories drive him to the edge of his control. Will anyone be there at his darkest moment to save him?**


	2. Broken

Broken

**Disclaimer: Whaaat, you didn't read the last chapter? Ok. Fushigi Yuugi and all its characters ect belong to Yuu Watase and the licensing companies. I like to play with them though.**

**Warnings. Implied M/M relationships. Tasuki's language.**

Tasuki sighed as his memories finally released him.  
"I knew ya were gonna leave from the moment I kissed ya, Chiri. Yer a monk, an' you'd never given the slightest sign you liked men. Hell, I don't think I ever saw ya give a sign ya liked a woman either. After what happened with Kourin an' Hikou I guess I don't blame ya." He crossed the room to Chichiri's bed, which was cold and unmade. It unnerved Tasuki to see Chichiri's bed like that, Chichiri had usually been up by the time Tasuki came to see him and the bed was always neat. He quickly began straightening the blankets but stopped after a few seconds and laughed roughly, looking around the now almost tidy room.  
"Heh, look at me Chiri. I've turned into a fuckin' maid." He sank down onto the bed and looked around the room again. It now looked much like it had when Chichiri had stayed there, but there were a few differences. The desk was too tidy; there had always been some scroll or another that Chichiri was working on laying on top of it. Tasuki realised the room lacked the aura of life that had been there with Chichiri. His personal items, while few, had made the room look lived-in. Now it just looked empty. _Like I feel._ Tasuki fell back onto the bed with a sigh and stiffened.

_Gods. It still smells like him. _Tasuki breathed in deeply, finding it harder and harder to keep his grip on his emotions. _But, how is that possible? _Tasuki decided he didn't care and lost himself in the images that were forming in his mind. A slow smile spread across his face as he remembered one of the few times Chichiri was not up before him.

_Chichiri had been up late into the night reading over some new scrolls Taiitsukun had given him. When Tasuki had staggered past his friend's room late that night he had been surprised to hear a soft voice from inside. He had moved to the door and, being as careful as he could, opened it a crack and peered inside. Chichiri was seated cross-legged on his mat muttering the words of a spell with his eyes closed. The aura of power surrounding him jolted Tasuki out of his drunken state. As a fellow Seishi he could feel the aura, though he doubted any of the other bandits could. **Chiri... It's not often I see ya so powerful. It's like yer ashamed of yer powers... 'Cept when they help ya save someone's life... I think that's the only reason ya practise with 'em, so if yer ever needed you can provide protection. **Slowly Tasuki closed the door again and walked to his own room. He undressed and slipped into his bed, his thoughts still on the monk meditating in a room not far from his own. As he lay drifting on the edge of sleep he realised he could still feel the other's chi. **I'm not usually this good at sensin' chi. **Tasuki thought sleepily. **Either Chiri's usin' a hell of a lot of power, or I can sense him more easily when I'm half asleep. **He closed his eyes and opened himself to the sense of Chichiri's life force. It seemed to carry the sense of great power, restrained behind tight control. Knowing Chichiri was so close and in such obvious command of his abilities made Tasuki feel safer and he fell asleep smiling, dreaming of the monk._

_Tasuki woke unusually early and dressed slowly, feeling more in control of himself than he usually did in the mornings. **I don't have a hangover... But why? He might have shocked me out of it last night but surely I should still have a hangover? Not that I'm complainin' or nothin'. **He smiled, showing his fangs. **Guess Chiri did me a favour last night.** He walked out of his room and down the hall to Chiri's room, meaning to ask him about what he was studying last night. Tasuki knocked on the door and waited. When there was no answer he began to grow worried and carefully opened the door to look into the room. He had to stifle a laugh when he saw the curtains were still drawn and Chichiri was still asleep. **Ya must have tired yerself out last night Chiri. **Tasuki walked quietly towards the bed with a fanged grin, stopping dead when he saw Chichiri. He had tangled himself in the blankets so they lay around his legs, leaving his upper-half bare. **Who woulda guessed Chiri slept without a shirt on? **Tasuki thought to himself as he approached the bed. Standing beside the bed in the half-light, Chichiri's sleeping form was one of the most beautiful sights Tasuki had ever seen. He lay on his back, arms at his sides, stretched out along the bed. Chichiri was mask less and his face was relaxed, smiling slightly. His bangs fell into his face and Tasuki reached out to brush them away. He gently traced the scar that crossed one eye. **Why do ya need to hide it Chiri? It don't make ya any less beautiful.** Chichiri's good eye snapped open in sudden surprise at Tasuki's touch. He brought his hands up to the rosary that still hung around his neck and a shield formed around him, forcing Tasuki backwards.  
"Chichiri! It's me! Wake up damn it!" Tasuki yelled as he was pushed against a wall. Chichiri sat up and glanced around the room hurriedly for what had woken him, fearing attack. Seeing Tasuki held against the wall he quickly let the shield dissipate.  
"T...Tasuki, no da? What are you doing here, na no da?" He asked as he gazed at him in shock. Tasuki gasped in air quickly for a few seconds, feeling his breathing return to normal.  
"Wakin' ya up Chiri. It's almost mid-mornin'."  
"Nani?! Hontou?"  
"Hai, Chiri. I thought you'd have been up by now so I came to check on ya."  
"I guess I used more power last night than I thought, no da." Chichiri said ruefully as he began to untangled himself from the blankets.  
"What were ya doin'?" Tasuki asked curiously, wondering what new spells Chichiri had learnt.  
"Oh, just learning some new spells no da. One's you wouldn't be interested in, na no da." Chichiri's reply was just a little too fast and the slight blush that had arisen on his neck made Tasuki instantly suspicious. **What the hell could he have been doin'?** Now he was able to move, Chichiri hastily stood and moved to the chair he had left his shirt on the previous night. Pulling it over his head, he picked up his mask and turned back to Tasuki, thankfully not putting it on just yet.  
"I'm going to the baths, Tasuki no da." Tasuki shuddered at the mention of water, even if it was just the shallow baths and tried desperately to think of a way to keep Chichiri with him.  
"Hey Chiri. Why're ya always sayin' 'no da' ?" As soon as he had said it he regretted it, it sounded so stupid. Chichiri looked at him with amusement evident in his eye.  
"It's just the way I am Tasuki, no da."  
"Well, it's a little annoyin' sometimes." Tasuki grumbled, annoyed at being laughed at.  
"Tell you what Tasuki, I'll stop saying no da when you lose your accent and talk properly, na no da." He smirked at Tasuki.  
"But, that's impossible Chiri!"  
"Exactly Tasuki, no da." Chichiri smoothed his mask onto his face, covering his triumphant grin with one which, although happy, was far too fake now that Tasuki had seen the real thing.  
"See you later, na no da."_

"Yeah, see ya." Tasuki echoed himself as he returned to reality. With the room as it was now it was almost as if Chichiri had just walked out of the door. Almost. Lying now fully on the bed Tasuki fiercely wiped at his treacherous eyes.  
"Bandits don't cry, God damn it!" He growled to himself. Sprawled on his back in Chichiri's bed, surrounded by Chichiri's things Tasuki found himself loosing the battle with his emotions and decided he really didn't care anymore. Here, in this moment, there was no one to see the tears fall, no one to hear his broken sobs.

Before he lost himself entirely he reached slowly into his coat pocket and carefully drew out the folded piece of paper. Tasuki had found this on Chichiri's pillow the morning after the terrible night he had given in to his urges and ruined everything. With shaking hands he unfolded it and once again read the words that had shattered him.

_Tasuki,  
Last night, I don't really know what happened. Well, I do but I don't know what to think. Maybe with a little time my own heart will become clearer to me. Maybe with a little space I can work things out. Until then you will not see me. Please, don't let my leaving hurt you, go on with your life.  
Until I see you again, be happy.  
Chichiri._

So few words, such a devastating effect. Those words made him burn with rage and want to cry at the same time. _Go on with my life? Without you I have no damn life! Chiri... how could ya leave me Chiri? _  
"Fuck it!" Tasuki cursed. Throwing the paper as far away from him as he could, he buried his face in the pillow and the scent of Chichiri. Giving himself freely to his tears, he cried without feeling he could ever stop.

**Why must I be so evil to Tasuki? Huggles poor Tasuki I'll make it better! Ahh, the angst.. Too much, too little?**

**Next Chapter: Chichiri shows up! Why is he back? Will he be able to get to Tasuki in time? Where has he been and why'd it take him so long?**


	3. Redemption

Redemption

**Disclaimer: Watase Yuu owns Fushigi Yuugi, but I do lay claim to my OC's Hitsuro and Yumike.**

**Warnings: No Yaoi yet folks.. Shounen ai for the moment. Strong language.**

Chichiri climbed slowly but with purpose. He knew he would soon reach the paths patrolled by the bandits and wanted to be careful not to present a threat to them. He shivered in a cold breeze and held his kesa closer to him.  
"Halt!" Chichiri stopped as soon as he heard the cry, knowing what happened if you didn't. Two bandits appeared from the trees, the younger one leading, both holding torches that they lit as they drew closer. Chichiri sighed in relief as he recognised the older bandit, the younger must be new.  
"Konbanwa, Hitsuro-kun no da." He greeted him pleasantly and was shocked when he noticed the younger bandit glaring at him. He looked back to Hitsuro, confused and Hitsuro sighed.  
"Konbanwa Chichiri." He returned sadly.  
"So, Chichiri has returned?" The younger bandit asked scathingly and received a glare from Hitsuro.  
"Ano, sumimasen no da?"  
"You don't deserve my respect." The boy's tone was bitter and full of anger. Hitsuro cuffed him on the back of the head.  
"Yumike, leave it be. Yer not strong enough t' take him on." Chichiri looked between the two bandits, curious and a more than a little surprised. Yumike glared at Hitsuro and spat at the ground in Chichiri's direction.  
"Che, who says I ain't?" He asked quietly before turning and running at Chichiri with speed Tasuki would have been proud of, but not fast enough. Chichiri instinctively threw up a strong barrier, which Yumike rebounded from and was sent sprawling in the dust.  
"Ah, gomen no da. Instinctive reaction, na no da." Secretly, Chichiri was pleased Yumike had ended on the ground, a view that was clearly shared with Hitsuro as the older bandit laughed at the boy who was in the dust.  
"Told ya so, kid." Yumike picked himself up, muttering darkly and glared at them both. "Go on ahead Yumike, we'll follow." With a final glare, Yumike started off up the path, stopping and waiting for the other two to follow once he was a good distance away

"Ano... What just happened, no da?" Chichiri asked, completely confused and not liking the look in Hitsuro's eyes as he watched Yumike walk out of hearing distance. He turned to regard Chichiri solemnly, as if debating whether to give him an answer.  
"Heh, by all right's I should have ya thrown off th' mountain." Hitsuro's words shocked Chichiri, even if they were spoken half in jest, but he held up a hand for silence and Chichiri let him continue. "But in view of our friendship I'll explain it t' ya. Yumike... Well, he admires Genrou a hell of a lot, an' when ya left Chiri... It affected him. The life seemed t' leave him. Hell, he's been sober a week!" He glanced quickly at Chichiri and hurried on. "Of course, most of us knew Genrou must've pissed ya off somehow. But Yumike's young, he just saw his hero brought down an' reacted t' it. I don't know what happened between you two but yer leavin' like that almost destroyed Genrou. Ya...ya are here t' fix thin's, right Chichiri?" Hitsuro looked across to Chichiri again and he was surprised to see fear in the older bandit's eyes. _My leaving must have really hit Tasuki hard. _Chichiri thought guiltily as he resolved to ease Hitsuro's fears.  
"Hai, Hitsuro." He replied quietly with as much confidence as he could manage. _If it can still be fixed. _Hitsuro nodded once, satisfied.  
"Then I'll let ya up. I wouldn't wan t' be ya of Kouji got a hold of ya though." The two feel into silence as they continued up the mountain, joining Yumike shortly. Yumike said nothing, travelling sullenly half a step ahead of Chichiri and refusing to look at him. Chichiri's thoughts strayed back to how he ended up here, perhaps in an effort to avoid thinking about what would happen once he reached the top of the mountain.

_Chichiri had awoken one morning to see Taiitsukun in front of him, which was not something one wanted to see when having just woken up.  
"Daa!" He exclaimed loudly, super-deforming and shooting backwards. Taiitsukun had glared at him and spoken sharply.  
"Chichiri! We have serious matters to discuss." Chichiri returned to his normal size and knelt respectfully, fearing what it was Taiitsukun wanted to discuss.  
"Gomen nasai, Taiitsukun." He murmured respectfully.  
"Daijobu. And get up will you." She waved him off and Chichiri rose gratefully.  
"What brings you here, Taiitsukun no da?"  
"The fight between Tasuki and yourself."  
"I thought so, no da." Taiitsukun looked carefully at Chichiri. He looked tired, he had not slept well for a while now being too tormented by memories and indecision.  
"Sit down Chichiri." She said gently and moved to sit beside him. "To be honest I have left this far too long, both you and Tasuki have suffered." Chichiri looked up quickly at that but she calmed him.  
"Chichiri. What are you doing?"  
"Nani?"  
"Why are you still out here wandering around?" Chichiri hesitated. He knew Taiitsukun well by now and knew she would not accept a vague answer. She knew the details of the fight and it would be foolish to try and hide anything from her.  
"I am still undecided over what to do, Taiitsukun. My head is telling me one thing while my heart tells me another. Meditation no longer helps and I grow more confused by the day. I feel a longing to return to him while at the same time a want to distance myself from him, least I hurt him as I hurt others." Taiitsukun regarded him sadly.  
"So that's it is it?" She sighed; Chichiri was determined to repeat his mistakes until someone set him on a different path. "Chichiri, our not being with him is hurting him now. I will not force you one way or the other, but know this. If you do not return to Tasuki soon... He may do something you both regret. He has lived without you for two months and the separation is proving unbearable. Tasuki is ready to give up everything." Taiitsukun paused and saw her words were having a dramatic effect on her pupil. He had paled and was looking at her in shock.  
"Return to Tasuki now, or never return again. The choice is yours Chichiri. Know our own heart and you cannot go wrong"_

_With those final words, Taiitsukun faded, leaving Chichiri to his thoughts. He wished she had been less cryptic. **Does she mean that if I do not return now Tasuki will never want me back? Or that I will never have the chance to return because... **Chichiri feared it was the second one and quickly struck his camp and set out, still with a divided heart, for Mount Reikaku._

Chichiri sighed; neither bandit had said a word as they climbed. _Well, here I am. And I still don't know what to do. _He looked up to what he could see of the star filled sky through the tree branches. _Suzaku. I pray you are watching over me and will guide me in what to say. Know my own heart... How can I when it seems to be telling me two different things? _Chichiri felt a twinge of foreboding as he saw they were almost upon the stronghold. He tried to stay his trembling as he faced the two gate guards. One took one look at him and ran off into the stronghold. Chichiri winced; no doubt that one was running to get someone higher up. The other looked him over with a sneer, Chichiri recognised him but had never struck up a close friendship.  
"What have you brung **him **up here for?" The bandit's words were directed to Hitsuro but Chichiri had expected this sort of reaction from what Hitsuro had told him earlier. Hitsuro looked him down easily and calmly.  
"Because I trust him." The other bandit grunted his acceptance and stepped aside to allow them to pass.

Chichiri entered the stronghold nervously, although Hitsuro's words had boosted his confidence a little. That little confidence was quickly knocked down as someone stepped from the shadows behind him and punched him hard enough to send him to the floor, Shakujou clattering from weakened fingers. Chichiri sat up quickly but before he had the chance to raise a barrier he was pinned to the ground, arms above his head, with his captor sat on his chest.  
"K...Kouji..." He gasped, having had the wind knocked out of him. Hearing loud laughter to the side, Chichiri looked up in time to see Hitsuro attempting to drag Yumike away from the entrance hall.  
"But, I wanna see this!" He protested as he slowly lost the battle.  
"Leave him t' Kouji." Hitsuro told him quietly as he succeeded in getting him to the door. Casting a sympathetic glance back to Chichiri, Hitsuro left the room with a still protesting Yumike behind him. 

Slowly, Chichiri returned his gaze to Kouji. He was flushed with rage, but appeared sober, which Chichiri was thankful for. He was breathing hard from the exertion of getting Chichiri to the ground and hadn't relaxed, though Chichiri was offering no resistance.  
"Ya came back. Why th' fuck did ya leave in th' first place?!" Kouji raged at him and Chichiri cringed away a little.  
"Gomen nasai, Kouji-san." Chichiri murmured. Kouji looked down at him in shock, hearing the guilt in Chichiri's voice. Slowly, he reached one hand down and took off Chichiri's mask. The two stayed like that, each watching the other, for a minute. Kouji registering with shock the depth of the guilt in Chichiri's eye and Chichiri slowly watching Kouji calm down.  
"Ya really are back fer him, ain't ya?" He asked slowly as he released Chichiri's other arm.  
"Hai." Chichiri replied quietly.

Kouji glanced slowly around the hall, as if noticing for the first time where they were.  
"Heh, boy am I glad none of the other bandits came in." Kouji said slowly, rubbing the back of his neck as he got off of Chichiri. Chichiri could tell Kouji was trying to lighten the mood as he was embarrassed by his display of temper.  
"Daijobu, no da. No lasting harm done." Chichiri grinned at him. "Can I have my mask back though?" Kouji's expression turned serious again as he looked from Chichiri to the mask and back again.  
"If yer gonna see Genrou I don't think ya should wear it, he's gonna be pissed enough at ya already an' he always hated this thin'."  
"I guess you're right, no da."  
"Chiri, I know why ya left. It was kinda obvious Genrou liked ya."  
"Obvious to everyone but me." Chichiri sighed. "Then I went and messed it up."  
"Well, ya got a chance now t' get it right. He's in yer room."  
"My room?"  
"Yeah, first time he's been back there in two months actually. Kinda funny ya show up on the one night he's gone t' mope in there." _Taiitsukun... _  
"Arigato, Kouji." Chichiri turned towards the doors but stopped again at a shout from Kouji.  
"Ne, Chiri?" Chichiri turned back and waited, Kouji looked back at him with anger in his eyes again. "I swear t' ya. If ya hurt him again, I'll kick yer ass off the top of the mountain myself!" Chichiri didn't doubt Kouji wouldn't keep that promise and nodded solemnly to him before starting off towards his old room. Kouji watched him go, doubt in his eyes over whether he'd made the right decision. _This could either heal Genrou, or kill him. Guess I'll have to hope Chiri knows what he's doing. _He sighed before heading off to the main hall to wait.

Tasuki had curled himself into a ball, sobs wracking his body as he cried for the friendship he'd ruined, for the love he'd never have. He could feel himself growing weaker, as though he was loosing the will to live, and he didn't care enough to stop it. Chichiri was never coming back. He barely registered the sound of the door opening but flinched as someone spoke his name.  
"Tasuki." The voice was low and choked with guilt. _If it's one of th' bandits... _Tasuki's thought trailed off as he forced himself to turn and saw who stood silhouetted in the doorframe. The hair, the clothes, all of it was perfect. How dare an illusion be so real? He turned away with another sob, wishing for it to end so his heart could stop tormenting him with visions of what he could never have. The door closed and he heard footsteps approaching but ignored them, hoping they'd go away. It was a shock when warm arms encircled him and pulled him away from the bed. He stared up at Chichiri, tears running down the monk's face to match his own.  
"Gomen nasai, Tasuki." He croaked before leaning in closer and whispering,  
"I love you, Tasuki. Sorry it took me so long to figure it out." Chichiri closed the remaining distance and kissed Tasuki, the salty tears mixing with the sweetness of his lips as the two relaxed into each other, both finally where they needed to be.

**So, Chichiri's back. But how will Tasuki react once he has his wits about him? Next chapter (possible final) Chichiri tells Tasuki about his months alone and how he came to realise he loved him.  
A million thanks to tasukigirl78 and DarkTiger1991. Sorry I didn't reply to your reviews but my email decided to delete them DX**


	4. Healing

Healing

**WARNINGS: Lime in this chapter! (not lemon as they don't actually have sex), sap.  
Disclaimer: Once again all Fushigi characters belong to Watase Yuu. Sniff **

"I love you, Tasuki. Sorry it took me so long to figure it out." Chichiri closed the remaining distance and kissed Tasuki, the salty tears mixing with the sweetness of his lips as the two relaxed into each other, both finally where they needed to be.

* * *

Tasuki broke the kiss and stared up in shock at Chichiri.  
"You... You love me?" He asked in a trembling voice. "Is this a dream?" Chichiri laughed shakily and smoothed Tasuki's rumpled hair.  
"Does it feel like one?" He asked, before claiming Tasuki's mouth again in fierce desire. The kiss rivalled the intensity of their first so long ago and left Tasuki momentarily speechless.  
"No. It doesn't." He replied when he finally found his voice again. He leant against Chichiri, content to hear the comforting sound of his heartbeat as he attempted to sort through what had happened. Chichiri, realizing what Tasuki wanted, shifted backwards until he rested against the wall above the bed and turned Tasuki until his back rested against Chichiri's chest.

Not long ago he had been ready to end his life, feeling as if he could never be happy again. Now Chichiri had returned to him, professing love, and Tasuki could hardly believe it. _He's here. He's really here. But why? What brought on this sudden change. _  
"Chichiri, why are ya back?" Chichiri was startled by Tasuki's question.  
"I told you Tasuki. I love you and I came back to be with you."  
"Why now? What made ya change yer mind?" Tasuki's voice was still hoarse with the tears he had shed. _Tears I made him shed. _Chichiri thought guiltily.  
"When you kissed me, it scared me Tasuki. I'd been thinking about you in way that suggested more than friendship, but I never thought you'd return those feelings." Chichiri said slowly, his free hand moving through Tasuki's hair, smoothing it gently.  
"When you suddenly showed me the depth of your feelings I was scared I'd hurt you. I didn't think myself worthy of those feelings." Tasuki stiffened in shock as Chichiri's words passed over him.  
"I didn't realise that my leaving would hurt you far more. Gomen nasai. It took a visit from Taiitsukun to bring me to my senses and force me to acknowledge my feelings for you." Tasuki moved forward out of Chichiri's embrace and twisted to look him in the eye.  
"Ya mean, ya left because ya were afraid of hurtin' me like ya hurt Hikou an' Kouran?" Miserably, Chichiri nodded and turned his gaze away from Tasuki's. _He probably hates me for being such an idiot. _

When Tasuki knocked Chichiri to his back on the bed, Chichiri looked back at him quickly. There was anger in Tasuki's eyes, but it was drowned out by the amount of love they held.  
"Ahou." Tasuki muttered quietly and he bent to kiss Chichiri again. "Yer the best thing that ever happened to me Chichiri." He held Chichiri pinned to the bed and grinned at him. Chichiri looked back up, flushed and apprehensive.  
"What... are you going to do?" He asked quietly. Tasuki's grin widened into a smirk and he bent once more to nip at Chichiri's neck.  
"Don't ya think ya deserve somethin' for keeping me depressed these past two months?" He asked playfully; before beginning to explore Chichiri's body, keeping the older man firmly pinned beneath him. 

Chichiri gasped as what Tasuki did to him drove him wild. The young bandit was slowly opening his shirt, having divested him of his kesa quickly. With each button that was opened, Tasuki ran his hands over the smooth skin revealed. Chichiri writhed beneath him and struggled to escape from beneath him, though what Tasuki was doing was quickly making his body respond. Tasuki stopped when he had fully unbuttoned Chichiri's shirt and grinned back up at him, fingers hovering tantalisingly over the waist of Chichiri's trousers.  
"Stop yer squirmin'. I know yer enjoyin' this as much as I am." Glancing at Chichiri's expression, his own softened at little, and he moved to lie fully against him again, catching his lips in a soft kiss.  
"Chichiri. Just how far have ya gone?" He asked quietly.  
"Kouran and I never moved past kissing. I have never been with anyone else." Chichiri said quietly, flushing with embarrassment. Tasuki smiled and caressed his love's face.  
"I like that. It makes ya even more appealin'. I'm gonna enjoy teachin' ya. Do ya trust me, Chiri?" Chichiri gazed back at Tasuki in shock, he'd never thought Tasuki would want someone so inexperienced.  
"O...of course, Tasuki."  
"Then let me show ya how it feels to be truly loved."

Tasuki kept his promise and used every way he knew of to make Chichiri feel as much pleasure as was possible, bringing him to the edge many times but never letting him go over. He worshiped Chichiri's torso lavishly, toying with his nipples and licking gently at sensitive spots. Chichiri whimpered as Tasuki moved away again from his naked lower half and back to lie against him. Tasuki bared his fangs and nipped at his lover's neck. Chichiri shivered as his felt those teeth against him and looked back at Tasuki with glazed eyes.  
"You're teasing me." He was surprised at how firm his voice sounded, though it was low and hoarse with desire. Tasuki laughed and stared possessively down at him.  
"I told ya. I'm makin' ya pay for makin' me wait so long." Tasuki told him as he returned to the sensitive spot he had discovered on Chichiri's neck. Chichiri could feel how hard Tasuki was and wondered briefly if it was as painful for him to hold off like this, before Tasuki sent him into incoherent sensation yet again. Tasuki's hands seemed to be everywhere, finding his weak spots and the warmth of his mouth moved constantly, bringing new pleasures to every spot it touched.

Chichiri finally decided Tasuki had had enough fun with him and flipped the bandit over onto his back. Tasuki let out a shocked gasp as Chichiri took his mouth harshly, tired of being submissive.  
"This is a new side to ya, Chichiri." Tasuki grinned back up at his partner. "Not one I'm complainin' about neither."  
"You've had your fun Tasuki, now it's time for mine. I'm not a total innocent after all." Tasuki's eyes widened as Chichiri pinned him down and took his turn in teasing his lover. Using what he had just learned from Tasuki along with previous knowledge and some that he found out along the way, Chichiri made Tasuki feel as though he would burst with the pleasure inside of him. He discovered all of his sensitive spots and was even daring enough to go very low at times. Tasuki had never dreamed the shy monk could be as daring as this. Tasuki lost his hold on conscious thought as Chichiri placed his mouth on one of his nipples and swirled his tongue around the tip, causing Tasuki to buck up against him.

When he could finally think straight again, Tasuki found himself laying next to Chichiri who was grinning at him as he ran his hands through Tasuki's long red hair. Tasuki turned and pushed himself against Chichiri, grinned when he moved back.  
"How far are ya willing to go?" He asked as the two of them moved against each other, causing a friction neither wanted to break.  
"I... I'm not sure." Tasuki moved away with a slight growl, to allow Chichiri to think.  
"I wont do anythin' ya don't want me to. I'll wait for ya Chiri, wait 'till yer ready." Chichiri looked at Tasuki with pure love in his eyes.  
"Arigato, Tasuki."  
"Are ya sure ya want this? Once yer mine yer mine forever, an' I'm not shy about showin' that."  
"There's never been anything I wanted more." Tasuki's grin changed to a smirk again as he let his gaze travel slowly down Chichiri's naked body.  
"There are other things we can do. If you'll let me." Tasuki asked for acceptance; which Chichiri easily gave, knowing that he'd always be safe with him.

Tasuki moved closer and began kissing his way down Chichiri's chest and over his abdomen again, trying to prepare him for what was coming next. He slowly reached out to touch the area he had previously avoided, and Chichiri let out a strangled gasp. Tasuki quickly looked up, to check this was all right, and was met with eyes flushed with desire and a silent plea not to stop. He gently began touching and stroking his erection, still kissing Chichiri occasionally, and driving him painfully close to the edge.

Tasuki's touch sent fire through him and it was all he could do not to cry out. The sensations he had created were something Chichiri had not thought possible before tonight and he felt powerless behind them. The sensation abruptly changed and Chichiri could not hold back his shout as Tasuki took him into his mouth. Chichiri desperately buried his hands in Tasuki's hair as he licked and sucked at him, the pleasure reaching such intense levels it almost felt like pain.  
"T... Tasuki!" Chichiri cried out as his body stiffened. Tasuki ignored the cry and brought his lover to his climax with expert skill. Chichiri screamed Tasuki's name again as he came and his vision whited out in the incredible sensations as Tasuki pulled back and swallowed his seed.

He came down slowly, panting harshly, to find Tasuki lying against him again. Tasuki kissed him softly and Chichiri, realizing that the flavour on Tasuki's lips was his own, kissed back eagerly, revelling in the taste. Although his own need had been satisfied, Chichiri was very aware of Tasuki lying by his side. He rolled the bandit onto his back and grinned down at him; before shyly running his hands over Tasuki's lower stomach, watching him quiver as he came closer and closer to his own erection. Tasuki watched the formerly shy monk in wonder as he took control of his body. _He can't be learning all this right now. How much of it is he makin' up on the spot? _Tasuki arched his back as Chichiri's wandering hands came teasingly close. _However he learnt it, fuck, he's good. _

Chichiri shyly ran one hand over Tasuki's erection and was encouraged by his shivers of delight. His movements became more confident as he explored him and watched Tasuki's reactions. He soon learnt what drove the other man absolutely wild and leant down to catch Tasuki's mouth in a passionate kiss as he stroked him. Tasuki joined the kiss, understanding that Chichiri was not yet confident enough to take him into his mouth, and let himself go as Chichiri's questing fingers tightened and drove him to the height of his pleasure. 

The two tired young men fell into each others arms and were simply content to lay there for a while, while each caught up with what had happened.  
"Ne, Chiri. I'm still pissed with ya, y'know." Chichiri sighed at Tasuki's sleepy comment.  
"I know, no da. I'll just have to find a way to make it up to you." Tasuki smirked as several ideas came to him.  
"Well, ya can start by comin' down with me an' puttin' Kouji outta his misery." Chichiri groaned softly at Tasuki's suggestion, remembering how many of the bandits weren't too happy with him.  
"Ya that scared of facing him? Heh, I'm surprised he didn't catch ya on the way in."  
"He did. And I ended up flat on my back with an extremely annoyed Kouji on top of me." Chichiri told him in a flat voice. Tasuki burst out laughing and Chichiri blushed.  
"Ah, I see. But if he let ya come up here he must be ok with ya. So, what'cha afraid of?" Chichiri sighed again.  
"I met Hitsuro and Yumike on the way up the mountain. Yumike tried to attack me and Hitsuro wasn't too friendly at first either." Tasuki realized instantly why Chichiri didn't want to face the other bandits. He sat up, bringing Chichiri with him, and looked him in the eye.  
"Ya don't wanna face the other bandits, 'cause they're pissed with ya. Yer scared of them." Chichiri nodded miserably and Tasuki laughed again. "As ya should be, I was in a pretty pitiful state." Tasuki pulled Chichiri to his feet and tossed him his clothes. "C'mon, the gang doesn't hold a grudge for long." Chichiri dressed slowly, wanting to believe Tasuki but still not sure of how the other bandits would react to his return.

"How many times have I dragged ya along this corridor?" Tasuki asked, in an attempt to lighten the mood.  
"Those were different circumstances, no da." Tasuki glanced at Chichiri, the monk was still a little flushed from their activities and looked very uncomfortable.  
"I get it! Ya don't have yer mask. If it really bothers ya that much then put it on." Chichiri sighed quietly at Tasuki's ability to read him so easily.  
"I can't. Kouji took it." He muttered. Tasuki stopped and turned back, giving Chichiri a chaste kiss.  
"Ya don't need it any more." Tasuki murmured quietly. "I love you Chichiri, the whole of you including that scar, an' I don't care what anyone else thinks of ya." Tasuki's words deepened the love Chichiri held for him and he tightened his arms around him, silently conveying his love to Tasuki, as he did not feel able to speak. Tasuki gave him his fanged grin and took his wrist again, dragging him to the doors to the strongholds main hall.

"Ya ready?"  
"Matte. Will they be ok with…us?" Chichiri asked hesitantly. Tasuki regarded him fondly and chuckled.  
"Ya lived with us for all that time an' never noticed how many of the bandits had different preferences? Most of 'em don't try to hide it." Chichiri laughed at himself as he considered Tasuki's answer.  
"I guess I'm just nervous, no da." _But will they be as accepting of their leader taking a male lover?_  
"Don't be." Tasuki gave him a reassuring glance before turning back to the doors. He swung them open confidently and strode boldly into the room, Chichiri following close behind and keeping his gaze firmly fixed on Tasuki. All talk in the room had ceased the moment the doors had swung open, and every bandit in the room now stared in shock as Tasuki returned to his usual seat beside Kouji. Whispers began as they saw Chichiri silently take the seat by his side.  
"Glad t' see yer back t' normal Genrou. Or at least what passes fer normal fer ya anyway." Kouji's mocking greeting seemed to relieve some of the tension and several of the older bandits began their conversations again, although many more continued to watch Chichiri suspiciously.  
"I know ya don't mean that." Tasuki exclaimed as he smiled at Kouji. Kouji relaxed and returned his smile, it was the first real smile he'd seen from Tasuki since Chichiri had left. He leaned forward to look at Chichiri and smirked when he took in his appearance. He tossed Chichiri's mask down in front of him and both Chichiri and Tasuki froze.

Chichiri reached out slowly and picked up the mask, turning it around slowly in his hands as he stared at it. A slow smile spread across his face and he flung the mask away from him, into a corner of the room.  
"I don't need that anymore." He told a surprised Kouji. Tasuki grinned proudly at him as Kouji spluttered in Chichiri's sudden confidence. The exchange had not gone unnoticed by the bandits and several now wore expressions of confusion. Many of them had never seen Chichiri without his mask before and he looked away uncomfortably from their stares. Kouji looked between the two, taking in both their appearances, and began laughing as he guessed what had happened. Chichiri blushed and looked down at the table and Tasuki smacked Kouji on the back of his head.  
"Ahou. Don't go embarrassing him like that." Tasuki told him quietly, glaring at him as Kouji slowly got himself under control again.  
"Gomen, Chichiri." Chichiri shook his head and grinned.  
"Don't worry about it Kouji. But, shouldn't we do something about that, no da?" He asked, gesturing to the rest of the hall where many of the bandits were now looking at them with confusion and expectation in their gazes. They had expected Kouji to kick Chichiri out of the stronghold on sight for what he had done to Tasuki. Many of the older bandits looked carefully from Chichiri to Tasuki. They saw the glow of life that had returned to their leader and decided that Kouji had made the right choice in allowing Chichiri to stay. Hitsuro caught Tasuki's eye and nodded with a calm smile. Tasuki's eyes widened in shock as he realized Hitsuro knew what had happened between them. The older bandit's gaze held nothing but joy at seeing Tasuki happy again and Tasuki soon relaxed. He knew none of the bandits would hold this against him. Tasuki looked out over the rest of the bandits with a worried frown. He stood and banged his fist on the table in front of him. All the bandits immediately turned to look at him.  
"I'm sure ya've all noticed I haven't really been myself lately," Tasuki held up a hand to quiet the chuckles and continued. "But that was 'cause one of my dearest friends left the stronghold for a while." Glares were directed towards Chichiri; who sank lower in his seat, wishing that he had his mask to hide behind. _No, I have to learn to live without that now. _

Tasuki leaned over to Chichiri and pulled him to his feet beside him.  
"Play along." He hissed quietly. Tasuki quickly kissed Chichiri and the entire hall went silent. Chichiri flushed but didn't try to pull away until Tasuki released him. Slinging his arm around Chichiri's waist and pulling him close, Tasuki turned to grin at the other bandits in the hall.  
"Anyone that's got a problem with Chichiri has got a problem with me. Got it?" Yumike wolf whistled at the pair and several younger bandits clapped, causing Chichiri to become redden further and sink back into his seat. As Tasuki took his seat again and poured out some sake, conversation resumed and most of the bandits took their attention away from the top table.  
"Told ya they'd be fine with it." He remarked causally. Chichiri buried his face in his hands and groaned.  
"Daa. I'll never be able to look them in the face again, no da." Kouji was almost choking in an attempt not to laugh at him, as Tasuki was sending him angry looks, but managed to calm himself down in a few minutes. He took a large gulp of sake before patting Chichiri on the shoulder.  
"Genrou's never been th' subtle type." Tasuki laughed and pulled Chichiri's hands away from his face.  
"C'mon Chichiri, yer causin' more of a scene."  
"I didn't think this was what you meant, no da."  
"It was the only way to get them all to accept our relationship quickly. This way they know we're serious about it an' it'll have gotten rid of any ill feelin's towards ya."  
"Yeah, 'cause now they know that Genrou must've screwed up somehow t' make ya leave in th' first place."  
"Kouji! I should flame yer ass fer that!" Chichiri laughed quietly as Tasuki turned to threaten Kouji. He looked again at the bandits and noticed they all seemed more relaxed now. Those who caught his eye smiled back at him and he knew he was forgiven. _They might have forgiven me, but I'm sure Tasuki isn't finished with me yet. _Chichiri sighed, there were plenty of ways Tasuki was going to be able to embarrass him. _If I'm going to be living here from now on I have to get used to their ways. It'll be a hard adjustment, but one I'm happy to make. _  
"Tasuki, Kouji, behave no da!" He called to stop the fight before it escalated. _If I wanted a quiet life I would never have returned. I'd better get used to it, no way Tasuki's letting me leave again._ Tasuki laughed and settled back in his chair, handing Chichiri a cup of sake, which he took hesitantly and sipped from carefully.  
"Ne, Tasuki. Does this mean you're going to stop drinking so much?"  
"Only if ya distract me from it." Tasuki answered, baring his fangs in an insolent grin. Chichiri laughed at the bandit's flippant reply and relaxed. 

That night passed easily and Chichiri found himself enjoying the company of the bandits once more. The easy banter and playful fighting was another thing he had missed in his time away. _No matter what life throws at me now, I know I'll make it through. As long as we're together we can stand up to anything that comes our way. _Chichiri swirled his sake and watched the liquid move distractedly. He relaxed in the comfortable atmosphere as he absently sipped at his cup. _And we'll always have our friends with us to help us through._ Warm arms surrounding him from behind jolted Chichiri out of his thoughts and smiled, looking away from his cup and into the warm amber eyes of his love.  
"Why don't we turn in for the night, Chichiri?" Tasuki whispered, his breath tickling Chichiri's ear.  
"Aa, no da." Tasuki helped the slightly tipsy monk to his feet and walked back to the bedroom with his arm around his waist, neither caring what the future brought as long as the other was with them always.

**And this story comes to a close. To those who read and reviewed a million thanks guys. Please tell me how my first attempt at writing a lime turned out.  
Ok, I leave it up to you guys. Should I turn this into a oneshot or is it fine as it is?  
Hope you guys had as much fun reading as I did writing. I've got another story in it's planning stages as I finish Torments. What is it? Well you'll have to wait and see. Ja, guys.**


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